"It’s just that men feeling attacked and their actually being attacked are frequently very different things. In my experience the most gentle and tentative approach to pointing out shitty behaviour is seen and treated as an attack."

I remember, being afraid to talk to him about anything really because he was always on the defensive. always took everything as an attack, no matter how quiet and nice I was about it...  felt I was constantly tiptoeing about and twisting myself into pretzels to avoid hurting his feelings... and then when I expressed this he got upset and said "it isn't supposed to be that way"

he was upset, basically, that we were interacting in this way. He wanted me to be comfortable and supported, and was aware of his poor behavior, and even apologized for specific instances, but it was difficult to change...

but he wanted to. could he have done it, if I had given him the chance?