I can't explain it, this unrelenting desire to break free, to be alone, to do everything by myself. It's not that I don't like him; I do, but I still feel that he will never understand me (none of them will), and I am tired of being pulled out of my world because I'm afraid of being laughed at. I just can't comprehend, how people relax into a relationship. I am always deconstructing: what is happening? is this what I want or am I being weak? how can I be a feminist and be myself when I am constantly editing my behavior? I am tired of trying not to hurt feelings. I am tired of letting something slip and then having to comfort him, tired of the inevitable conversation that reveals that for all his good intentions he does. not. understand. and reminds me that I am tiny and insignificant and weakly pushing against something that doesn't even know I'm there and thinks my beliefs are crazy. They will never understand because they don't have to, and I am so tired of  it all already. I am lucky enough to be one that doesn't feel the need to have a partner; I am just as fine without one. In fact, I feel that being alone is more normal and comfortable to me. so why don't I break it off? I don't really know. Why should I? I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, I never have any sort of intense feelings for anyone. I don't miss people either..
I'm hoping/praying to everything that I get into the masters program or I get the job. please I just want one of them... all I really want is to live in my own little apartment and live my own life, and start paying my parents back a bit...