but I don't want to work in diplomacy. this internship would be great, yes, but it would be difficult and unpleasant and it would get me a long way... in directions that I don't really care to go.
and  I don't REALLY want to be able to sculpt hyperrealistic horses either. I'm fine with my little cartoony creatures, I can already pretty much make what I really want to make but I got distracted by ~improving my technique~ and stopped doing it for enjoyment and then I stopped doing it at all.
I'm coming to realize that what I actually want out of life (at least for now) is definitely within my reach. I just need to ignore my desire to compare myself to what other people are doing...
I feel so, so, SO stupid for saying this, but I really hope that this thing with L can actually go somewhere. or end peacefully when I leave?  I wouldn't mind coming back to this....even though he's so young. we both are, but. it feels so weirdly superficial right now I'm desperate to get to know him as well as I can in this limited amount of time...
(but dear god do I know this didn't work last time. but I think I actually have feelings for this boy, so maybe this will turn out differently...)