what am I doing
what if I did that just because he asked me first? just because he likes me and no one else has? what if I like someone else better? (does the other like me at all? I think not, because I have terrible self esteem, but he seems safer somehow? but untouchable, and the first is very safe, I like him... I can't switch now, I think he likes me more than I like him, I don't want to hurt anyone) why do I have such a hard time making decisions? why do I always regret my choice? what if he's not right, what if he doesn't think the way he should, I didn't check thoroughly enough, what if he shouldn't get me? I don't want him to have me because some of the things he thinks are wrong- he doesn't want to talk about it- but I do, I always do, and I don't take kindly to being brushed off. maybe the other would tolerate it, listen even better, I don't know. but no one should "get" me, I'm not a thing, but that's the way it goes, it's so wrong all wrong and I just want to enjoy myself but I can't. I cannot. there is too much to think about and none of them (in the entire world?) will or can ever understand, I don't think. even here... I feel trapped, I don't know what I'm doing, but I have no reason to feel that way, I thought this would be different (that it would never happen) I don't trust him 100% yet so I don't know, I haven't been myself since I got here I've gone soft because it's easier here, already so far ahead of home, where is all of my meanness, I guess you can't be tough if you don't know anything (jesus I don't know anything about anything), why am I terrified that other people will know? I kiss one person and I'm terrified of being called a slut, but why? I already see the end of this, it ends with me being "crazy" (always always always) because girls are always crazy (all girls are the same you know, complicated, crazy, crazy is that even a word it makes me want to scream) and he says I'm "not like the other girls here" who doesn't want to hear that they are unique, special, different? but I want to shout "I AM like the other girls! I am not unique! they are me and I am them and if you are going to put us in a box then we all go, all of us, you can't just pick out the one you like at the moment (before she becomes one of the crazies, of course). I will always stand with ~other girls~ even if I don't like them, because if I didn't I would be betraying something, looking down on them just like the guys and I will NOT fall for that bullshit" you don't get it. I can't get a single sliver of respect, everything is determined by my looks, my relationships, I have to be so much better than a guy, just to be considered a person, and then I hear "well I think you're a person" yes well what about the rest of the goddamned world, you have no fucking clue what it's like to deal with all of this coming down on your head all of the time, what it is to be aware of the wrongs, to care about the world, to try and be a girl and keep a hold of yourself (who that is, I have no idea) none of you fucking get it. this is why I'm angry, but no one ever, ever listens. never. "you think too much" well, hooray for you, I'm glad you have the option of not thinking but it's all I have it's all I am, but then I don't speak because I don't want to make him uncomfortable (then he wouldn't kiss me again...) and I can't believe that I'm even thinking this, how did I lose my voice so quickly I am so weak
fucking hell how am I supposed to write a paper now
I am so fucking pathetic where am I