It makes me sad to watch them, the way she touches his hair and says hello, and he always smiles a little shyly as if he's still surprised she's talking to him. I lay there on the gym floor, thinking
 I'm going to stop eating, so I will become thinner, prettier, and a boy like that will love me. 
I know this is not true, but subconsciously I think (hope) it will work. I lay there on the floor and think
there will never, ever be anyone for me 
It seems as if I can almost see my life swelling before me, lonely, empty. I imagine someone smiling at me in that sweet way and tears well up. I remind myself that I don't need anyone else, but for some reason late in the evening I always feel soft and weak and sad. And I want, I want desperately but I can't say why. I don't know if it's me that wants or if it's what I've been told I should need.

They say it doesn't matter. There are so many people dedicated to telling the world "it doesn't matter how you look! it's whats on the inside that counts!" But the problem is, it does matter. Maybe someday it won't but it does now. Also, what if there isn't anything inside? I have to be prettier to make up for my lack of personality. But then I hate myself for buying into this scheme. Why should I have to be pretty? Why do I need another person to care about me? I shouldn't, I don't owe it to anyone! I don't, I do just fine on my own! but I am so disgusted with my body and with who I am, I cannot separate them. and I care about people so much, and I want to be loved by someone, so badly...  and I am pathetic for thinking this way.