I've only been home for a day and already I've fallen into the dreaded internet-black-hole. I went an entire month without it, happily, and all of a sudden I'm sucked in again. I am so, so, so fucking miserable here. It's like all the times I've been depressed have added up and I can't be here without it sucking me under again. I'm already tired, I've run out of things to do, so I end up staring at the computer- it's horrible. none of the music is any good there's never anything interesting my eyes hurt but I'm dreading trying to go to sleep; I'll lie there for hours hating myself while my imagination does the worst possible things. no matter how far I think I've come, it's like I revert to a former version of myself and I can't stop it. I'm so so so lonely and bored and absolutely listless I can't do anything except feel fatter and fatter and somehow remember all of the times in my life when I was feeling the worst. I can't get away from this pattern I feel like I can't change it it's just the same every time and it's fucking killing me. When I was away, I felt like myself, comfortable where I was... I know it won't be the same when I go back in winter. maybe it was just some weird trick, I was like a different version of myself (a natural progression, I thought- maturation+happiness= a better me) and didn't even notice until I got back here and was rudely awakened... I thought I would be "starting a new chapter" but I'm not. here I am, my room's a mess because I had some plan to get rid of everything again and got overwhelmed halfway through, spent forever looking for decent music and found none, only to have it disintegrate into me aimlessly surfing the internet because I'm too tired to think properly but not nearly tired enough to sleep and I'm dreading it.