oh god I feel sick
what if I made the wrong decsion? does this mean I've made the wrong decision?
I feel almost like I'm giving up, taking the easy route... I need to go away and do something big and challenging and independent and I keep choosing what I think other people want me to do. besides, my dreams just seem like dreams. like they're too improbable, it's almost impossible, I knew it was never actually going to happen even though I thought for a time that I could pick that I just didn't fully see it... what if I just always want what I can't have? why does my outlook change so quickly and drastically?  I'm so attached to these previous versions of myself... and now my plans have come completely full circle, I can't even remember how this whole mess started, and I feel like I'm just settling. for the mundane, the minimally achievable because it's all I'm capable of.