last night after rehersal we (J, JT, H, and K) went to fiesta's. we ate and then talked for hours, and the conversation went (as it often does late at night when you talk for too long) around to religion. H said that she would never marry someone who wasn't Christian. J tries to argue with her (he loves philosophy) and fails (of course) against the "this is what I think, I don't care about anything else lalalalala" brand of religious argument. it was interesting; I have so much to say but I am afraid of H not liking me (why do I want her approval so much?) and K was there (she's even worse) so I didn't talk like I should have. why? I always end up looking stupid.

I like J so much and I don't think he has any idea... maybe he even thinks I don't like him... (so not true J, I adore you, don't think I'm to good for you, never think anyone is too good for you. you are wonderful and there are plenty of people who see that, don't settle for less) I kind of avoid him, almost, because I act like such an idiot around him, but I just want him to know that I think he's a great person, really. I just... want him, just for a little while.