yesterday I was in tears, and everyone was being so kind to me (and reminding me how much I love those people), I just felt like digging my organs out with a spoon. it was very painful. today, I just feel kind of sick and anxious without a real reason to be. I miss J... I don't know why. I've never noticed, before, when he's not there, but I didn't get to say goodbye today. I just ache a little. I'll be fine.