mom: all this stuff about me not moving fast enough
me: I know I know I know terrible horrible I'm the worst ever
mom: OMG ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY YOU'RE TERRIBLE HORRIBLE THE WORST EVER
newsflash, mom: I already hate myself. I really don't need your help.
I'm really hurt that she didn't get me anything for christmas. she spent all this time picking out tons of stuff especially for C, and what did I get? nothing! some socks! (and a laptop. which I said I DIDNT WANT because I DONT FUCKING NEED ONE because there's one that works. now this thing is just leverage for all her guilt trips. I fucking HATE it when she buys me expensive things. this is why I always feel guilty whenever anyone does anything nice for me... I'll always have to pay for it some way later)
lets see, what did I get exactly? a pair of gloves, socks, a mini hair straightener (wtf? I don't need or want a flatiron. never asked for one, shown any interest, ect. I think I looked a little confused bc mom says, "well, it was a freebie when I bought C's"), a debit card to pay for gas with, a laptop (see above), and a necklace (in my stocking, and DAD was the one who got it for me. it was the best thing I got by a long shot). from C I got some lotion that she wanted, a three-sizes-too-big flannel shirt and a plain black hoodie with too short sleeves (they were from f21, which is really cheap, and I've never worn anything like either one. it's like she just grabbed some random things)
what did C get? all three seasons of chuck, the first season of glee, a bunch of stuff from sally beauty supply and a $25 gift card, two pairs of boots and two different necklaces from me (which I spent MY OWN MONEY on, mom GAVE her money for my gift. what the fuck! she spends at least $200 every WEEK I think she can spend a LITTLE bit on someone else), a pair of turquoise earrings (which mom spent months looking for), a pair of beaded earrings (which mom picked out for her), a very nice flat iron (she's ASIAN. her hair is already as STRAIGHT as hair can naturally be), and $200. (they bought C a computer for her birthday). she got a shitload of stuff from the other family (incl a new coach bag, stupid rich fuckers.) and a new kindle, and a $50 gift card...
it has nothing to do with how much money you spent. I just wanted something that you had actually picked out for ME, you know, something with a thought behind it. anything! some cheap earrings that you thought I might like! some pyjamas you thought I would wear! (no one can say I'm hard to shop for! I've always liked all the things you've bought me!) and then you give C $200 cash? what the fuck? and the way she pulled it out and counted it, and you just laughed (if I had done that, you would have fucking killed me) you know she's not going to save it for her trip. why are you running around giving her money all the time? she's irresponsible, immature, and she spends all her money on expensive clothing that she doesn't wear more than twice. she spends like crazy, and has no concept of saving or planning ahead. I have always been very careful with my money. you have never given me money like that. if you do, it comes with the "you will not spend this on anything but an EMERGENCY and you will pay it back" don't fucking lie. dont say "I never said that, allie". you didn't, but I assumed that from your behavior and guess what? I was always right! (why do I do that, you ask? why, its because I'm supposed to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING and be able to know exactly what you're thinking WITHOUT EVER ASKING)
what have I done now?



I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. I hate myself. I don't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm not smart enough or talented enough or pretty enough to be worth anything. I just kind of sit here and take up space and use oxygen and feel myself getting older and uglier by the minute. it's pathetic.